


Bruises

by izuku



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: @ kanekis mom fuck you, Child Abuse, Depression, Eating Disorders, Friends to Lovers, Human AU, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, im really sorry about this, this is gonna be super fucking sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2015-11-20
Packaged: 2018-05-02 14:51:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5252306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/izuku/pseuds/izuku
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaneki Ken is sad. He feels alone, depressed, and suicide is always lingering in his mind.</p><p>Lucky for him, Hide Nagachika is very perceptive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyo, cheerios! I wasn't feeling too good today, so I wrote this  
> I'm so sorry  
> warnings for this chapter: self harm, suicide mentions/attempt

Kaneki Ken was very sad. He woke up every morning, went to school, came back, read, and when his mother came home, made sure to be nice to her before going to bed. If he wasn't, well...

He didn't like to think about that.

One day, his best friend Hide told him to ask his mom for a CD player so he could listen to the same music that Hide was.

Bad idea.

The next day, he politely told Hide that his mom had said no. Initially, Hide was disappointed, but when Kaneki reached towards him to give the CD back, his sleeve rode up on his arm, just the slightest. There was a bruise. Hide felt his stomach sink to his toes. But he put on a grin and told 'Neki that it was no big deal, he wasn't missing much, and Kaneki felt relieved to not have disappointed his friend.

* * *

 

The first time the thought "I want to die," entered Kaneki Ken's head, he couldn't have been more than seven years old. It was one of the times he was alone, his mother having abandoned him for her work after hitting him. The thought entered suddenly, and shocked Kaneki out of whatever sort of trance he'd been in.  _I don't mean that!_ Kaneki thought frantically, his heart picking up the pace.

Three years later, after the death of his mother, he knew he did. He was only ten. Hide was there for him, held him while he cried, did everything he could to make Kaneki happy. And Kaneki appreciated it. He really did. He didn't know if the tears were happy or sad.

* * *

 

When Kaneki Ken was 14, red lines took the place of the bruises. They appeared in the same places the bruises did, His wrists, thighs, shoulders, stomach. He did his best to hide them, to hide his pain from his best (and only) friend. He failed. Hide began to notice them about a week after they began showing up. By that point, they already littered the way up the black-haired boy's forearms and hips. Hide saw them when his friend, in a moment of carelessness, had reached up just a bit too much to grab something from a bookshelf at his aunt's apartment. His shirt rode up and there they were, maybe ten or so on the hip closest the Hide. His eyes widened and heart crawled into his throat, but when Kaneki turned back towards him, book in hand and carefully-practiced smile on his face, Hide smiled back. He decided not to call Kaneki out on it. Not yet.

For the next few weeks, Hide makes sure to be extra kind to his friend, and when the usual bullies come around to pick on Kaneki, Hide yells at them to fuck off. They stay away from Kaneki for a while after that. 

Hide finally confronts Kaneki about the marks he leaves on himself two weeks after the incident with the bullies. Kaneki is crying, leaning into Hide's chest, the both of them sitting on the floor of Kaneki's bathroom. Blood is seeping out of freshly-made wounds on the smaller's wrists. Hide's arms are around Kaneki, telling him that it's okay, that he'll be okay. Kaneki doesn't believe him. As Kaneki's breathing becomes more shallow, his sobs becoming less and less, Hide whispers three words to him.

"You deserve better."

In response, Kaneki whispers three back.

"No I don't."

* * *

 

After the incident of Hide finding him hurting himself in the bathroom, Kaneki promises his friend that he'll stop.

He doesn't. He's just more careful about it.

* * *

Kaneki's been getting that weird fluttery feeling in his stomach for a while now. It only happens when he's around Hide, and he's beginning to suspect that he knows what it is. A crush. Whenever Hide looks over at him, his golden-brown eyes shining like the sun, it makes Kaneki's heart rise and a blush come to his cheeks. He's never had a crush before, but he's pretended to; pretended to have a crush on whatever girl in class first comes to mind whenever Hide asks him. He doesn't know why. He just does.

Whenever Kaneki thinks about how Hide would never feel the same way for him, his heart sinks.

More lines appear.

* * *

Hide begins to suspect that Kaneki's home life is getting worse, and his thoughts are confirmed one day when Kaneki walks into class with a black eye and a bruise on his jaw. Hide stands up and walks over to Kaneki so fast that Kaneki doesn't even see him before the sunny boy is right in front of him, taking his hand, and pulling him out of the classroom.

Kaneki tells Hide what his aunt did, and he cries. Hide cries too.

* * *

Hide has loved Kaneki for a while now, but hasn't ever told him.

Why would he, when whenever he asks Kaneki about his crush, he talks about a girl?

* * *

Kaneki Ken is tired. He's tired of lying, of forcing smiles onto his face, of the bruises and cuts constantly covering his body.

Kaneki Ken is tired of living.

* * *

The first time Kaneki tries to kill himself, he is 15 years old, 5 months after he started self-harming. He takes 14 sleeping pills and then slits his wrists, long, deep cuts stretching from the base of his palms, nearly down to his elbows. 

His aunt finds him 15 minutes later and calls an ambulance. Kaneki lives.

* * *

The first thing Kaneki thinks when he wakes up is something along the lines of, "Shit."

The first thing he sees is a ball of sunshine hurtling towards him, and a mop of blonde hair in his face.

The first things he hears is Hide's muffled voice. 

"Oh, thank god."

The first noise that crawls out of Kaneki's mouth is a sob. 

He clings to Hide as he cries, and Hide tells him that he's sorry, that it'll be okay, that Hide would always be there for him.

Kaneki believes him.

Or, he thinks he does.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about my shitty writing but mAn this is actually really therapeutic to write  
> I hope you guys like this! next chapter coming very soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man I'm sorry about this  
> warnings: eating disorders, self harm, suicide, vomiting

* * *

Kaneki has been out of the hospital for two weeks, the wounds on his arms turned to long, gnarled scars. Kaneki is in love with Hide. He knows it for sure now, and he wants to tell him.

But he doesn't. 

Kaneki is afraid of rejection. So he quietly suffers through being Hide's friend, always afraid that Hide will find out, always afraid of being replaced by someone better.

* * *

Kaneki stops eating. He feels bloated, fat, Hide will never love him like that, he's sure of it. 

Some days, he gets really hungry, but he tells himself that he mustn't eat, not if he wants to be happy, to be loved.

He gets thinner, but the only thing he sees is fat, fat, fat, and he's stupid, stupid, stupid for thinking Hide would ever love him.

A week later, Kaneki finally manages to get his hands on a blade. He hasn't seen one since his visit too the hospital. He misses the pain, and he thinks that's sick.

Red lines reappear among the faded white ones on his skin.

His aunt goes back to how she was, and bruises take their home alongside the cuts.

* * *

Hide is worried about Kaneki. His eyes are dull, he's paler, and much more tired than he once was. He asks Kaneki what's wrong, but he simply replies with a smile and assurances that it's nothing, that Hide shouldn't worry about him.

Hide worries about him. 

Hide knows something is really wrong when, one day, he's walking with Kaneki after school and Kaneki collapses. He's crumples on his back, panting hard, eyes unfocused. Hide rushes towards him, gathering Kaneki's thin body in his arms. His shorter counterpart had lost weight, and lots of it. Even through a sweater and shirt, Hide could feel Kaneki's ribs sticking out, his cheeks hollow, arms like twigs. 

Kaneki comes to about 30 seconds later, the fog in his eyes clearing. He frantically apologizes, claiming the he doesn't know what came over him, that he'd been tired all day, but Hide just hugs him tighter. 

"We're going to Anteiku." Hide announces, helping Kaneki up from the ground.

"I-I don't know if that's such a good idea." Kaneki stutters, nervousness tinging his words as he pulls on his collar. Hide's expression hardens.

"You need to eat something. Come on." Hide is holding Kaneki's hand and the black-haired boy gulps. He doesn't want to. He really really really doesn't want to go along with this. But it's Hide, so he has to.

* * *

Kaneki's hands are shaking as he raises the coffee to his lips, tentatively taking a sip. He's already had two slices of apple today, he doesn't want to consume any more calories, but Hide is staring at him and he can't tell Hide no because he doesn't want to lose him.

He sets down the cup after two sips of the hot liquid have slipped down his throat, disgusted with himself. He looks up at Hide as the sunshine boy puts a slice of coffee cake in front of him.

"Is-is that for me?" Kaneki asks tentatively. Hide nods, his eyes softening a bit.

"You need to eat something, man. You're way too thin, and I know you haven't been treating yourself right lately. If you won't eat for yourself, then eat some for me, okay? I want you to get better." Hide says in reply. Tears spring to Kaneki's eyes, and he feels one slip down his cheek as he bites off a piece of the coffee cake. He chews it slowly, and he feels warm tears streaming down his cold cheeks. Suddenly, Hide is there and he's wrapping his arms around Kaneki's shaking shoulders, sidling onto the chair next to him. 

Kaneki holds onto him until the tears stop coming.

* * *

On their way back home, after Kaneki had finished the entire coffee and 3/4 of the coffee cake, with Hide praising him the entire time, Kaneki finds himself holding Hide's hand. It's not his fault, really, it had just sort of happened. They are taking the scenic route to Kaneki's apartment, giving them a perfect view of the sunset reflecting on the city.

And then Kaneki does something really stupid.

He turns to that boy, the one he's fallen in love with, the one who shines as bright as the sun, cups his face,

and kisses him.

* * *

Kaneki's eyes are squeezed shut, but Hide's are open wide, and Kaneki pulls away from the kiss so quickly, too quickly. His face turned as red a tomato, and then the thin boy is running, and Hide is calling  _Kaneki wait_ but he can't stop running and he can't stop crying and thinking  _oh god I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up_.

Hide runs after him.

Kaneki is faster.

* * *

The second time Kaneki Ken tries to kill himself, he is 15 years old. He doesn't want to live in a world in which Hide Nagachika hates him.

He bursts into his aunt's empty apartment, slams the door behind him, not bothering to lock it. He runs to his bathroom, downs a handful of sleeping pills, and some of the anti-depressants he was prescribed, just for good measure.

Everything is fuzzy, he's dizzy, and then the floor is rising up to meet him.

The last things he hopes he will ever hear is what he thinks is Hide shouting his name. 

* * *

Hide scrambles through the unlocked front door of Kaneki's aunt's apartment, practically screaming Kaneki's name. He sees a light coming from the bathroom, and runs toward it, greeted with a horrifying sight. Kaneki, lying on the floor, unconscious, with two near-empty bottles of pills on the counter.

Hide crumples next to his best friend, taking his thin frame in his arms.

"Don't you dare leave me!" Hide sobs into Kaneki's chest. He drags the limp boy into the bathtub, turning on the water, and sitting him up on his lap. Hide takes a deep breath, then plunges two of his fingers down Kaneki's throat. The black-haired boy gags, then vomits. All Hide sees are little white pills, mixed in with the coffee cake he'd eaten earlier. Hide feels tears mix in with the water of the shower running down his face. Kaneki keeps puking until his stomach is ridden of the poison he'd ingested.

He lives.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why do I put kaneki through so much he doesn't deserve this  
> anyways, two chapters in a day! wow! ok i hope you guys are enjoying this because I like writing it and there's definitely gonna be more updates soon.
> 
> important note: if you find yourself in a situation like Hide is in at the end of this chapter, CALL THE POLICE IMMEDIATELY. DO NOT DO WHAT HIDE DID HERE, IT IS SIMPLY FOR THE EFFECT OF THR STORY AND SHOULD NOT BE APPLIED TO A REAL-LIFE SCENARIO. stay safe, guys! love you!


End file.
